News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
