Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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