I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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