you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
