I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
