you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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