I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
