beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
