Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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