I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My penis needs a shock collar
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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