Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
