i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
foreskin is a definite game changer
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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