i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
