he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
