I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
