Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
