So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we made out on top of his cat.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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