so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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