Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Do vagina's smell?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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