new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
