u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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