so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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