I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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