Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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