I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
