I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
