I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
