She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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