you traded sex for a burrito?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
