Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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