If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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