My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
well you can't waste a boner
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
