There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
is wine microwaveable?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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