Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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