I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I smell stomach acid.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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