Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
