why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
