Apparently you make a good broom.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
