the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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