My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
