The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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