There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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