What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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