i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
