My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
