Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
