Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
