My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i love accidental penises.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
