Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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