how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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