I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
4 words: hood of his car
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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