I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
